Adam & Eve (for Battle of the Sexes, feb 2010)
Lately, there has been some debate on whether women are actually not as perfect as previously thought. This is due to there being some evidence of global warming and impending worldwide collapse.
To understand the nature of the problem, we need to understand women, and you need to understand the context in which she was created.
First he spent making the most remarkable beautiful garden.
Then he started making various creatures.
God considered himself somewhat of an expert at making creatures, and began on his ultimate creation. The result after months in the lab, was man. It was impressive. It had an incredibly powerful, logical brain. It unfortunately wasn’t much to look at, in that it had patchy clumps of hair and ungainly protuberances.
He called it Adam – an acronym for advanced duo-pedalopedic ambulatory module
He put it down in the garden and observed expectantly.
He was sure that the man was going to immediately start doing some algebra and maybe calculus, maybe some chemical experiments, and then design a gravity defying space vehicle.
But no.
This creature looked around at the beautiful surroundings and creatures disinterestedly, not even noticing the flowers or furry animals, instead, he wandered over to the nearest tree, sat under it and promptly fell asleep. The next few days weren’t much better. The man spent all his time eating fruit and sleeping. And the other animals disliked this ugly, lazy creature, who’s only interest in life seemed to be to chase them away from the fruit trees. Then, to make matters worse, he started developing a new tumour-like bump on his front. This grew and grew, and adam looked worse than ever.
God realized he could do much better. He was about to remove adam and throw him in the bin, but thought, what the hell, he’ll do it later. So it was back to the workshop to produce v2. This time he spent a lot of time getting the aesthetics right, with wind tunnel modeling to get the curves, and a completely new reprogrammed brain. It took months.
But finally he was finished, and was highly impressed with his creation. So he named her eve stands for…eco version enhanced .. He put her in the garden and watched expectantly. Well, he was absolutely blown away, she was much better than even he expected. After the disappointment of adam, god was not sure if he had messed up anything with eve. He had not. The first thing eve did was to sit down and do her hair. Now imagine. Already she was pretty darn hot, with a smooth outer surface, long shapely legs and bumps and curves which the wind slipped around efficiently. Now with hwer hair done, God literally couldn’t take his eyes off her. And he realized he’d got the programming just right too. The other animals also loved eve, and before long she was nursing baby animals and making them food, sharing the fruit and generally being nice.
Then, a most peculiar unexpected thing happened. Eve happened to walk past the fruit tree adam was sleeping under. He expected adam to emit some air, get up and maybe chase eve away. But instead he stared at her. He was also taken away with her curves and hairdo. The next thing he was on his feet, but instead of chasing her he started drooling and following her around, completely obsessed. For eve, this was a bit unpleasant, having this ugly thing following her around, and she mostly ignored it..
But then a rather wonderful thing happened. Eve started feeling a bit sorry for this ugly creature which all the animals shunned, and began giving it tasks to do, and it was surprisingly responding. She thought that instead of following her around staring at her all day, she may be able to get it to do something useful. So she told it to build her a house. The next thing adam had invented a pencil and paper, and was frantically producing architectural drawings. Then he ran around with bricks and soon he had built a house. Even eve was impressed. However, she took one look at the incredibly ugly house adam had built and got him to pull it down and rebuild it to her specs. The result was a beautiful structure. So she realized that, with a bit of guidance, he may be useful after all. Also, with all the running around with bricks ion his hands, the tumour had more or less subsided and adam looked less ugly. And god decided not to throw adam in the bin.
Pretty soon adam had made a clothing factory and was churning out fashionable garments for eve. eve realized that if she put clothes on, at least one of the ugly protuberances on adam became less prominent, directly in proportion to how many clothes she put on. In fact, she discovered if she put on enough clothes and didn’t do her hair, adam more or less reverted to lying under the tree again, only now he had invented beer, so he would have a beer in his hand too.
God was truly amazed. Not only was women perfect aesthetically, but she had achieved perfect control over the entire world from the word go. He realized he’d achieved absolute perfection and gave up designing creatures completely. He instead spent his days ogling eve.
It wasn’t all over though. With time, it seems a bug in the program may have emerged. Lately, God has noticed that woman umbelievably, are starting to want to be like men. It seems the pressure of being perfect is just too much and their circuits are overheating. They’ve started wanting to do maths, to have careers and even to be president. They even are trying to make themselves ugly like men by wearing pants and cutting their hair short. Luckily there are still a few which retain perfection and are worth ogling. With the reduction in true women, there are fewer people to care about the beautiful things, and global warming has started. God realizes that f the last few perfect specimens decide to convert, they may end up destroying themselves and its back to the drawing board for God to produce a V3, to be called Ian…
To understand the nature of the problem, we need to understand women, and you need to understand the context in which she was created.
First he spent making the most remarkable beautiful garden.
Then he started making various creatures.
God considered himself somewhat of an expert at making creatures, and began on his ultimate creation. The result after months in the lab, was man. It was impressive. It had an incredibly powerful, logical brain. It unfortunately wasn’t much to look at, in that it had patchy clumps of hair and ungainly protuberances.
He called it Adam – an acronym for advanced duo-pedalopedic ambulatory module
He put it down in the garden and observed expectantly.
He was sure that the man was going to immediately start doing some algebra and maybe calculus, maybe some chemical experiments, and then design a gravity defying space vehicle.
But no.
This creature looked around at the beautiful surroundings and creatures disinterestedly, not even noticing the flowers or furry animals, instead, he wandered over to the nearest tree, sat under it and promptly fell asleep. The next few days weren’t much better. The man spent all his time eating fruit and sleeping. And the other animals disliked this ugly, lazy creature, who’s only interest in life seemed to be to chase them away from the fruit trees. Then, to make matters worse, he started developing a new tumour-like bump on his front. This grew and grew, and adam looked worse than ever.
God realized he could do much better. He was about to remove adam and throw him in the bin, but thought, what the hell, he’ll do it later. So it was back to the workshop to produce v2. This time he spent a lot of time getting the aesthetics right, with wind tunnel modeling to get the curves, and a completely new reprogrammed brain. It took months.
But finally he was finished, and was highly impressed with his creation. So he named her eve stands for…eco version enhanced .. He put her in the garden and watched expectantly. Well, he was absolutely blown away, she was much better than even he expected. After the disappointment of adam, god was not sure if he had messed up anything with eve. He had not. The first thing eve did was to sit down and do her hair. Now imagine. Already she was pretty darn hot, with a smooth outer surface, long shapely legs and bumps and curves which the wind slipped around efficiently. Now with hwer hair done, God literally couldn’t take his eyes off her. And he realized he’d got the programming just right too. The other animals also loved eve, and before long she was nursing baby animals and making them food, sharing the fruit and generally being nice.
Then, a most peculiar unexpected thing happened. Eve happened to walk past the fruit tree adam was sleeping under. He expected adam to emit some air, get up and maybe chase eve away. But instead he stared at her. He was also taken away with her curves and hairdo. The next thing he was on his feet, but instead of chasing her he started drooling and following her around, completely obsessed. For eve, this was a bit unpleasant, having this ugly thing following her around, and she mostly ignored it..
But then a rather wonderful thing happened. Eve started feeling a bit sorry for this ugly creature which all the animals shunned, and began giving it tasks to do, and it was surprisingly responding. She thought that instead of following her around staring at her all day, she may be able to get it to do something useful. So she told it to build her a house. The next thing adam had invented a pencil and paper, and was frantically producing architectural drawings. Then he ran around with bricks and soon he had built a house. Even eve was impressed. However, she took one look at the incredibly ugly house adam had built and got him to pull it down and rebuild it to her specs. The result was a beautiful structure. So she realized that, with a bit of guidance, he may be useful after all. Also, with all the running around with bricks ion his hands, the tumour had more or less subsided and adam looked less ugly. And god decided not to throw adam in the bin.
Pretty soon adam had made a clothing factory and was churning out fashionable garments for eve. eve realized that if she put clothes on, at least one of the ugly protuberances on adam became less prominent, directly in proportion to how many clothes she put on. In fact, she discovered if she put on enough clothes and didn’t do her hair, adam more or less reverted to lying under the tree again, only now he had invented beer, so he would have a beer in his hand too.
God was truly amazed. Not only was women perfect aesthetically, but she had achieved perfect control over the entire world from the word go. He realized he’d achieved absolute perfection and gave up designing creatures completely. He instead spent his days ogling eve.
It wasn’t all over though. With time, it seems a bug in the program may have emerged. Lately, God has noticed that woman umbelievably, are starting to want to be like men. It seems the pressure of being perfect is just too much and their circuits are overheating. They’ve started wanting to do maths, to have careers and even to be president. They even are trying to make themselves ugly like men by wearing pants and cutting their hair short. Luckily there are still a few which retain perfection and are worth ogling. With the reduction in true women, there are fewer people to care about the beautiful things, and global warming has started. God realizes that f the last few perfect specimens decide to convert, they may end up destroying themselves and its back to the drawing board for God to produce a V3, to be called Ian…
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