The Burden - cc3
Everyone has a cross to bear. Everyone carries a burden or two through life. Some burdens may be heavier than others. Or maybe some people handle their burdens better than others. For me, the burden was simply too much.
I was about 10 when I first discovered it. There was no doubt I was different from other children. I was too sensitive. I had no friends. Initially I thought I was from somewhere else, some kind of alien. Then I discovered my dark and shameful burden.
Initially I put it away deep inside me and tried to ignore it. That worked well, until as I got into my teens, to my horror, it started to come alive. It started releasing toxic matter into my bloodstream causing unnatural urges in me. It began trying to emerge into my daily life and affect my behaviour. I had to make a conscious effort to shove it back into the hiding place I always kept it.
At night Like a monster, it would poke its tentacles into my soul, causing me to writhe in pain. I couldn't sleep. I began to dread going to bed. I counted how many nights of pain I had left in my life I would have to endure. And inevitably, I considered ways to reduce them.
so I began living dangerously. I rode around on powerful motorbikes and survived wipeout after wipeout. I climbed mountains and cliff faces and anything else which was high or steep. I got into brawls which i lost in spectacular fashion. But incredibly, not only did death evade me, I didn't even make it to hospital. There was apparently no easy way out.
Then, at the age of 25, I killed the monster. I was finally free. Its hard to describe the absolute elation of not having that nightly pain, not having those daily struggles to endure. Life became bliss. I was flying fast and free.
But then, wham! Two years later It crashed down. Then I did land up in hospital. Actually it was a rehabilitation centre. AFter a couple of months I got out, and what do you know, the monster was there waiting for me. The cocaine had not killed it, it had been merely biding its time. Our struggle resumed more intensely than ever.
I realised I could not win on my own. So I began visiting psychologists and psychiatrists. I took medication. I joined a Christian church and was born again. But at best I only got temporary relief. Always the monster endured. And each time he came back he was stronger and more persistent than before. The months of torture and pain stretched into years. I began to lose strength, my efforts to contain the darkness started faltering.
Finally I realised I had to succumb. I was going to lose. The monster was going to get out. I had to make a very difficult decision.
I searched the world for a place to release my shame. South Africa was far eniough and insigificant enough to fit the bill. Johanesburg was my choice becuase no one could ever be found among its millions of peiople and vast sprawl.
I could not say goodbye to my family, I simply had to walk out one day and board the plane. I was never to see or talk to any of them again.
I settled down to a new life in Johannesburg. I made friends. I met a guy in Melville one evening and we fell in love. The monster ran free. My burden was gone
I was about 10 when I first discovered it. There was no doubt I was different from other children. I was too sensitive. I had no friends. Initially I thought I was from somewhere else, some kind of alien. Then I discovered my dark and shameful burden.
Initially I put it away deep inside me and tried to ignore it. That worked well, until as I got into my teens, to my horror, it started to come alive. It started releasing toxic matter into my bloodstream causing unnatural urges in me. It began trying to emerge into my daily life and affect my behaviour. I had to make a conscious effort to shove it back into the hiding place I always kept it.
At night Like a monster, it would poke its tentacles into my soul, causing me to writhe in pain. I couldn't sleep. I began to dread going to bed. I counted how many nights of pain I had left in my life I would have to endure. And inevitably, I considered ways to reduce them.
so I began living dangerously. I rode around on powerful motorbikes and survived wipeout after wipeout. I climbed mountains and cliff faces and anything else which was high or steep. I got into brawls which i lost in spectacular fashion. But incredibly, not only did death evade me, I didn't even make it to hospital. There was apparently no easy way out.
Then, at the age of 25, I killed the monster. I was finally free. Its hard to describe the absolute elation of not having that nightly pain, not having those daily struggles to endure. Life became bliss. I was flying fast and free.
But then, wham! Two years later It crashed down. Then I did land up in hospital. Actually it was a rehabilitation centre. AFter a couple of months I got out, and what do you know, the monster was there waiting for me. The cocaine had not killed it, it had been merely biding its time. Our struggle resumed more intensely than ever.
I realised I could not win on my own. So I began visiting psychologists and psychiatrists. I took medication. I joined a Christian church and was born again. But at best I only got temporary relief. Always the monster endured. And each time he came back he was stronger and more persistent than before. The months of torture and pain stretched into years. I began to lose strength, my efforts to contain the darkness started faltering.
Finally I realised I had to succumb. I was going to lose. The monster was going to get out. I had to make a very difficult decision.
I searched the world for a place to release my shame. South Africa was far eniough and insigificant enough to fit the bill. Johanesburg was my choice becuase no one could ever be found among its millions of peiople and vast sprawl.
I could not say goodbye to my family, I simply had to walk out one day and board the plane. I was never to see or talk to any of them again.
I settled down to a new life in Johannesburg. I made friends. I met a guy in Melville one evening and we fell in love. The monster ran free. My burden was gone
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