Stand Up Guy

I see there are a few women in the audience. Don’t tell me, I know what you’re thinking. To me, women are an open book. Whenever a hot guy like me steps onto the stage women think to themselves, Is he single? Because they need to know if they should be interested or not. Women are never interested in single guys. Its like there must be something wrong with them. Like they have some kind of viral disease.

(where’s that SAB representative? The lady from SAB who said she’d give free beer to anyone who laughs? There’s a gentleman  over here…thank you sir…

I was single for quite a while. And if you’re single for too long people start looking at you funny. Your friends start organizing blind dates for you with guys. You start looking forward to that airport security search.

Another problem is nourishment. As a Single guy you might only come across solid food once or twice a week , if you’re lucky. Mostly you just live on liquids. So the coffee at work becomes nutritionally significant. When you make it you have to ask yourself, have I had enough protein this week? No? Better put more milk.

Going out for a beer with your mates becomes important because it’s the only time your body will see anything vegetable like.

Of course, as you know, beer is a vegetable. Its made from barley and hops in. Its scary, waking up one day and realizing you’re basically a vegetarian. With a splitting headache.

Because beer has that problem. But still, compare beer to other vegetables, like cabbage. No matter how you prepare it, it tastes lousy. In fact, the only one who knew how to do cabbage right was my mother. She fed it to the pigs/a cow and we used to eat those instead.

Of course, being a vegetarian has other dangers. Like carbon emissions. You probably all heard of that huge explosion in NY last month? It was at a vegetarian person conference. Someone lit a cigarette.

But inevitably, no matter how many vegetables you drink, a single guy starts getting thinner. Then, if there’s some women at your work who insists on only ordering low-fat milk, your ribs might start sticking out.

That’s what happened to me. Its really bad. You can easily die. Like if there’s a cold front you might die of exposure.

Then one day I was sitting in the tea room at work. Very depressed. Very thin. The chair didn’t even know I was there until I picked up the coffee cup. It was lunch time, so in honour of the occasion I had put in an extra sugar.

The next thing the hottest woman in the department walks in and sits next to me. She says to me, “Mpho, why don’t you tell me whats wrong. You’ll feel much better if you do.” So just thinking about my problems I burst into tears. And I explain I’ve got acquired intake deficiency syndrome and might die at any time,

She takes me in her arms and comforts me. And you know, then I did feel better.

Now there’s this broom closet at work. I’d never really been in it before. I mean I tried, but I Never really got the hang of that doorknob.

Turns out she really knew how to work that doorknob. That day I did manage to get into that closet. And so did she.

And later that day I made a big, life changing decision. I decided to finally come out the closet. And I’m glad I did. I felt much happier about myself.

She also came out the closet that day. One thing led to another, and we got engaged to be married. Because these days its legal, gay marriage. So now I’m an equal partner in an ungendered union of two willing participants.

They’re always 1 step ahead in Australia, now I see they’ve introduced a 3^rd gender. So you can be male, female or intersex. So you can have a union with 3 willing participants. They’ve had to add a third toilet to all the restaurants. They had to come up with a picture. I hear it’s a farm animal.

Anyway, these union things are a bit different to a normal marriage. For one thing, I don’t have to worry about my spouse having an affair. She’s only interested in gay men.

We have to do gay things. Go to gay movies. And clubs. I’ve taken up interior decorating. She’s taken up drinking beer and burping. I’m always whingeing about her leaving the toilet seat down.

Its not all good though, we have our problems like other couples. The other day she caught me taking my medication. You know, those little blue pills? Women don’t like to know you take them. But I fooled her. I said they’re anti-retrovirals. No one knows what an anti-retroviral looks like.

Things went really well after that. So well we thought she must have caught aids as well. So now she’s also on antiretrovirals.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen and others, and Enjoy the rest of the entertainment!