Turning Green

We need to face it, the world is under serious environmental strain. And a lot of that is caused by the 300 000 or so TM polluting it. Yes that’s right – there are 300 000 of us TMers destroying the earth. We need to change that. We need to take responsibility for being so evil. We need to save our environment.

This means we need to cut carbon emissions. Reduce our use of the earths resources. And save energy.

At Presidents TM we managed to cut our toxic emissions by half that just by preventing Francois from speaking. But its simply not enough. Which is why I made the responsible decision to join the up and coming Greenies TM Club. In the Greenies club, our mission is to show others such as yourselves how to save the earth.

Firstly, being Green is about being creative. So at Greenies we decided to tackle carbon emissions. We installed a carbon emission detector in our meeting room. What we found is that 90% of carbon emissions were coming from one particular club member. It turned out he was a vegetarian. These days you’ve got to be sensitive to people’s funny cultural issues, so we couldn’t just throw him out, like we would have in the old days. Instead we had to be creative and make the best of the situation. So now, when he arrives, we fit a carbon emission capture device to him when he enters the door, and now out timing lights are powered by natural gas.

Another issuie we’ve tackled is the use the earths resources. The most important earths resource happens to be water. And iIt’s the little things that make a difference.  For every time you don’t flush the toilet you save 8 litres? Not showering before TM saves 50 litres. And not doing a toast saves 6 litres. Yes, you heard, 6 litres! But we felt if we didn’t do toasts we had no right to call ourselves TMers. So we got creative. We replaced the water with beer.  This alone has had the unexpected benefit of doubling our membership in just one month! It just shows you that people want to go green!

Another benefit of this initiative is that we have increased the number of toasts we could do without feeling guilty. We now toast the endangered green tree frog, the extinct green pigeon and  all the members of Greepeace International , individually of course. And after this, as you can imagine, we feel wonderful, so wonderful we can hardly stand up, and knowing we’re doing it all for a good cause.

As a concerned person, you also need to think of recycling. What exactly happens to the beer that you drink during a toast? You got it – it comes straight out the other end.  And incredibly, our tests have shown that you actually get out more than you put in. This got us thinking. We managed to work out how to purify this used beer using a special technique I came up with. You let it stand for a while, for the sediment to settle, then filter it through an old shirt. The resultant liquid looks just like water. Believe it or not, All the jugs you have in front of you have been filled with water we recycled from beer ourselves. If you look carefully you’ll see it even looks a bit green (hold up dirty glass of water).  So drink and enjoy…and if you feel a bit green afterwards, well, going green doesn’t always feel so good.

But what about saving energy? We’ve thought about that too. Did you know the average human body uses 160W of power when working and only 80W just sitting around? So just by sitting around you save 50%! And by lying down you get a further 5% savings! Simple ideas, but effective.

So at Greenies we never stand up for a toast. We always make sure our beer is within arms length so we don’t have to stretch unnecessarily. We use extra big beer glasses which cuts down on wasteful exercise spent filling them.  Every bit helps.

This alone has proved so successful we have introduced a whole lot more toasts to our meetings. In line with our green theme, We’ve added toasts  to the all the green animals on the endangered species list, to every member of Greenpeace  International and to the green ET beings from every possible planet that could support life as well. All individually of course. Obviously this is a lengthy process, but personally, I feel its worth it, knowing we’re doing it for the environment.

Of course,  all our prepared speeches are done sitting down. No more wasteful walking to and from the podium.  Which is a good thing, because after all those toasts some members have trouble walking straight.

Now I bet not many of you realize that the human brain uses 20% of the bodies energy when its used? So it follows that if you’re being chased, for example, by an enraged green TM club member/endangered species/ little green ET, you only have to stop thinking, and you will get a 20% increase in speed.

Anyway, to save energy, at Greenies we encourage our members to do as little thinking as possible. This is especially important for the members with bigger brains. In fact, powering the brain is so energy intensive a lot of our members with bigger brains have made the responsible decision to go solar. You can see which ones because they have a bald solar array on top to catch the rays.and the ones with really active brains have shaved their whole heads.

In conclusion, it is incumbent on each and every one of you to turn away from your evil ways. Stop your harmful emissions. Convert to solar. Recycle your beer. And make all your club  members more green.