The S&M Department
Safety in the workplace is vital. At our work, we pay enormous attention to safety, for example, when we use the bathroom we always wash our hands. This is to remove any dangerous germs from them.
Some time ago I happened to be busy with this very important safety-related task, when I was dismayed to discover the hand drier broken.
These days we’ve all been given human rights. What this effectively means is that if we do something stupid and injure ourselves its actually someone else’s fault. For us at work, that someone else happens to be our boss. Now our boss has responded to all this responsibility by introducing H&S rules. These rules mean we aren’t allowed to do anything which could conceivably lead to us hurting our valuable selves, especially fixing electrical appliances like hand driers.
The correct procedure to follow if you find the hand drier doesn’t work is to report it to a certain department, in this case safety and maintenance or S&M. However, they need to ensure you’re not trying to pull a con on the company, so you need to provide proof in the form of independent witness statements. Signed by a commissioner of oaths. In triplicate. You need to provide a psychologists report proving you are not the type of person that has a tendency to report non-existent faults in hand driers. At least 3 VIPs including your boss needs to sign the report, each one keeping the report on his desk for a number of days in direct proportion to his importance in the company. As you can imagine this process takes time.
After many months I proudly presented my submission to the S&M department. If I had known what my report had started, I might have thought twice about it. The S&M dept had to initiate an intention to obtain a quote process. The buying department had to initiate tendering processes for approved suppliers. The HR had to provide a report on the BEE implications for the company. Top management had to have a strategic meeting over lunch at The Polo Lounge.
Piles of paper formed on desks. People rushed around with deadlines. Others got stressed out and had to take off sick. Some got overloaded with important work and applied for a promotion. New employees were hired and our admin building had to be expanded. The company initiated a restructuring process.
Of course we were unaware of this hive of activity, and after a few months we had forgotten the whole saga, and life went on as usual. However, we still had to use the bathroom, and as everyone knows, when you use cheap toilet paper to dry your hands it sticks. But you may not realize what we all slowly discovered from necessity. If you reel off a lot of toilet paper, say 20 rounds, it works just perfectly. Needless to say, toilet paper usage increased by orders of magnitude and the local supplier bought himself a new larger delivery truck.
Then, about a year later a funny thing happened. There I was reeling off toilet paper, and I looked up and saw a shiny new hand drier installed on the wall. As you can imagine, my heart swelled with pride, as I placed my hands under the new machine. Unfortunately though, my heart shrank again when I realized the machine did not work, obviously Due to some Chinese prison-gang related manufacturing defect. Maybe he was upset at having been dragged kicking and screaming from his monastery in Tibet because praying was illegal, and the Chinese needed cheap hand drier factory workers. Who knows? The result was the drier only blew cold air, and was ineffectual at drying hands.
This time I didn’t complain, and nor did anyone else.
This true story has a happy ending. Top management started importing toilet paper by the container load from China to save costs. A shiny new toilet paper factory was built in China and more poor and unemployed Tibetan Monks sourced to man it. The now unemployed local toilet paper supplier sold his truck and became a management consultant. His first job was a huge success. He saved our company millions by suggesting we repair the hand drier.
Some time ago I happened to be busy with this very important safety-related task, when I was dismayed to discover the hand drier broken.
These days we’ve all been given human rights. What this effectively means is that if we do something stupid and injure ourselves its actually someone else’s fault. For us at work, that someone else happens to be our boss. Now our boss has responded to all this responsibility by introducing H&S rules. These rules mean we aren’t allowed to do anything which could conceivably lead to us hurting our valuable selves, especially fixing electrical appliances like hand driers.
The correct procedure to follow if you find the hand drier doesn’t work is to report it to a certain department, in this case safety and maintenance or S&M. However, they need to ensure you’re not trying to pull a con on the company, so you need to provide proof in the form of independent witness statements. Signed by a commissioner of oaths. In triplicate. You need to provide a psychologists report proving you are not the type of person that has a tendency to report non-existent faults in hand driers. At least 3 VIPs including your boss needs to sign the report, each one keeping the report on his desk for a number of days in direct proportion to his importance in the company. As you can imagine this process takes time.
After many months I proudly presented my submission to the S&M department. If I had known what my report had started, I might have thought twice about it. The S&M dept had to initiate an intention to obtain a quote process. The buying department had to initiate tendering processes for approved suppliers. The HR had to provide a report on the BEE implications for the company. Top management had to have a strategic meeting over lunch at The Polo Lounge.
Piles of paper formed on desks. People rushed around with deadlines. Others got stressed out and had to take off sick. Some got overloaded with important work and applied for a promotion. New employees were hired and our admin building had to be expanded. The company initiated a restructuring process.
Of course we were unaware of this hive of activity, and after a few months we had forgotten the whole saga, and life went on as usual. However, we still had to use the bathroom, and as everyone knows, when you use cheap toilet paper to dry your hands it sticks. But you may not realize what we all slowly discovered from necessity. If you reel off a lot of toilet paper, say 20 rounds, it works just perfectly. Needless to say, toilet paper usage increased by orders of magnitude and the local supplier bought himself a new larger delivery truck.
Then, about a year later a funny thing happened. There I was reeling off toilet paper, and I looked up and saw a shiny new hand drier installed on the wall. As you can imagine, my heart swelled with pride, as I placed my hands under the new machine. Unfortunately though, my heart shrank again when I realized the machine did not work, obviously Due to some Chinese prison-gang related manufacturing defect. Maybe he was upset at having been dragged kicking and screaming from his monastery in Tibet because praying was illegal, and the Chinese needed cheap hand drier factory workers. Who knows? The result was the drier only blew cold air, and was ineffectual at drying hands.
This time I didn’t complain, and nor did anyone else.
This true story has a happy ending. Top management started importing toilet paper by the container load from China to save costs. A shiny new toilet paper factory was built in China and more poor and unemployed Tibetan Monks sourced to man it. The now unemployed local toilet paper supplier sold his truck and became a management consultant. His first job was a huge success. He saved our company millions by suggesting we repair the hand drier.
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