How to succeed with women
(Walk in with pillow under shirt)
How to succeed with women
One of the problems you have being a toastamter is coming up with topics. Since I seem to have proved to be the worst here at it, I’ve been studying the topic fairly intensely.
Having had lots of time to watch other toastmasters give speeches, I’ve noticed two very popular themes: self-help and being nice to others
I have therefore decided to combine these 2 topics in a series of speeches I will be giving, starting with this one. How? On the one hand, I’ll be being nice to you by telling you secrets to success. On the other, I’ll be helping you lot to help yourselves. And I’ll be helping myself since you’re all going to think I’m very clever and ask me for more advice afterwards.
Today we’re going to learn about succeeding with women.
Its been proven that men think mostly about women, so its appropriate that this be our first topic to address.
So, where to start?
My qualifications.
I wasn’t always as you see me now. I actually used to be a skinny little ugly runt. I looked like this. I had a 6 pack but the wrong type. You can imagine how badly that went down with women, so I made it my life’s mission to somehow overcome my disabilities and score the women of my dreams. As you can see, I’ve succeeded admirably. So what happened?
First, I tried the right typ of 6 pack. Now everyone knows how hard it is to get 6 beers down a women, but you can if you know how. The secret is to take her to a very expensive restaurant, then order the most expensive imported beer there. She’ll love theidea of quaffing R70 bottles of beer. Theoretically, after 6 of them she’s available to do your bidding.
The inforeseen error here was that, being such a lightweight, I was drunk after 2 and passed out after the 5th. When I awoke on the pavement I found a note in my pocket from the waiter, thanking me for what was surely going to be a good time for him. Yes, being unable to outdrink women is a major hsndicap!
So what could I do?
First, I tried the obvious. All of you have seen that advert on TV which shows exactly how its done, and it costs just R15. Does it work?
I wore it every day for a month. I put varying amounts on – one day I put the whole can on. At least Now I suppose you technically can’t sue them for misleading advertising, but I decided to at least demand my money back. On the phone, they said they couldn’t believe it, and they sent a rep around to visit me and evaluate the problem. Well, he took one look at me and handed over the refund.
The other apparently sure-fire method is the car method. You know, nonchalantly throw your Porsche keys on the table when you arrive. Now there’s no denying this is a powerful magnetic influence on a woman, and I could feel it working. But somehow, just not powerful enough to overcome the repulsive forces.
Finally I met my savior. He sold me a product which is guaranteed 100% effective. I have never looked back.
(get out massive TV box)
Its called diet in a box, and all you have to do is buy it and eat the contents over a period of a week. After 6 months you will look like me – from 6 pack to 1 pack in 6 months. And everyone knows women secretly love this.
However, its not enough to just look hot. Women love to seem to like a guy with intelligence. A few little-known facts are relevant here:
1) Women equate humour with intelligence
2) Women equate wealth with intelligence
Luckily for you (and all of mankind), both humour and wealth are easily faked.
Lets start with the wealth:
Go to your local Chinese market and spend R5 on a Porsche keyring. Attach it to your Vuka scooter keys. While you're there, pick up some fancy looking shoes and a big, gold, fake Rolex. Women surreptitiously check these two items as an indicator of wealth and class.
On to the humour:
Memorise some jokes. If you're seriously intellectually challenged, like me, you have to find very short jokes which are easy to remember. If you're close to brain dead from years of binge drinking, like me, you may need to write notes on a small piece of paper in your pocket to prompt yourself.
Ladies and gentleman, that's all you need to know. Any woman is now putty in your hands. In my next speech, we will become acquainted with some useful tools which make the job of succeeding with women just so much easier, including the most used and abused tool of them all, alcohol.
How to succeed with women
One of the problems you have being a toastamter is coming up with topics. Since I seem to have proved to be the worst here at it, I’ve been studying the topic fairly intensely.
Having had lots of time to watch other toastmasters give speeches, I’ve noticed two very popular themes: self-help and being nice to others
I have therefore decided to combine these 2 topics in a series of speeches I will be giving, starting with this one. How? On the one hand, I’ll be being nice to you by telling you secrets to success. On the other, I’ll be helping you lot to help yourselves. And I’ll be helping myself since you’re all going to think I’m very clever and ask me for more advice afterwards.
Today we’re going to learn about succeeding with women.
Its been proven that men think mostly about women, so its appropriate that this be our first topic to address.
So, where to start?
My qualifications.
I wasn’t always as you see me now. I actually used to be a skinny little ugly runt. I looked like this. I had a 6 pack but the wrong type. You can imagine how badly that went down with women, so I made it my life’s mission to somehow overcome my disabilities and score the women of my dreams. As you can see, I’ve succeeded admirably. So what happened?
First, I tried the right typ of 6 pack. Now everyone knows how hard it is to get 6 beers down a women, but you can if you know how. The secret is to take her to a very expensive restaurant, then order the most expensive imported beer there. She’ll love theidea of quaffing R70 bottles of beer. Theoretically, after 6 of them she’s available to do your bidding.
The inforeseen error here was that, being such a lightweight, I was drunk after 2 and passed out after the 5th. When I awoke on the pavement I found a note in my pocket from the waiter, thanking me for what was surely going to be a good time for him. Yes, being unable to outdrink women is a major hsndicap!
So what could I do?
First, I tried the obvious. All of you have seen that advert on TV which shows exactly how its done, and it costs just R15. Does it work?
I wore it every day for a month. I put varying amounts on – one day I put the whole can on. At least Now I suppose you technically can’t sue them for misleading advertising, but I decided to at least demand my money back. On the phone, they said they couldn’t believe it, and they sent a rep around to visit me and evaluate the problem. Well, he took one look at me and handed over the refund.
The other apparently sure-fire method is the car method. You know, nonchalantly throw your Porsche keys on the table when you arrive. Now there’s no denying this is a powerful magnetic influence on a woman, and I could feel it working. But somehow, just not powerful enough to overcome the repulsive forces.
Finally I met my savior. He sold me a product which is guaranteed 100% effective. I have never looked back.
(get out massive TV box)
Its called diet in a box, and all you have to do is buy it and eat the contents over a period of a week. After 6 months you will look like me – from 6 pack to 1 pack in 6 months. And everyone knows women secretly love this.
However, its not enough to just look hot. Women love to seem to like a guy with intelligence. A few little-known facts are relevant here:
1) Women equate humour with intelligence
2) Women equate wealth with intelligence
Luckily for you (and all of mankind), both humour and wealth are easily faked.
Lets start with the wealth:
Go to your local Chinese market and spend R5 on a Porsche keyring. Attach it to your Vuka scooter keys. While you're there, pick up some fancy looking shoes and a big, gold, fake Rolex. Women surreptitiously check these two items as an indicator of wealth and class.
On to the humour:
Memorise some jokes. If you're seriously intellectually challenged, like me, you have to find very short jokes which are easy to remember. If you're close to brain dead from years of binge drinking, like me, you may need to write notes on a small piece of paper in your pocket to prompt yourself.
Ladies and gentleman, that's all you need to know. Any woman is now putty in your hands. In my next speech, we will become acquainted with some useful tools which make the job of succeeding with women just so much easier, including the most used and abused tool of them all, alcohol.
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