What Toastmasters has Done for Me (CC5)
When I tell people I’m a member of TM, there is a swelling feeling in my chest. A feeling fed by their new found respect for me, invariably immediately evident. Yes, I am now one of those soon to be rich, soon to be famous, maybe soon to be president.
At work they look at me with veiled fear. Suddenly I have prospects. Suddenly I’m in the race to be Top Management – I’m a force to be reckoned with. When I walk past the CEO in the passage, I look him in the eye and call him Pete. Even though I know his name is John.
When I sit at my desk, my thoughts no longer dwell on all the work I should be doing, and how bad I am for not doing it. No. Now I think about new BMWs, cocktail parties and important stuff to say. I dream of crowds of highly motivated employees singing and dancing in a sea of happy faces below me. I dream of smooth talking and smiling my way to winning landslide elections. I dream of staying in 7 star overseas hotels using taxpayers’ money. But most of all, I dream of a R65m rural eco-estate and a harem of 10 wives.
It also gives you a sense of freedom, knowing how important you are, you no longer need to kowtow to anyone. You can tell people what you really think of them, including the boss. In public too, and in a well-structured manner with a beginning, a body and a conclusion. And if you have CC5, you can use hand gestures too.
Which is the main reason I recently found myself looking for another job.
My CV used to be pretty short and a bit depressing. Now it reflects the new, successful me. It says “Toastmaster”, or abbreviated Mpho Dlamini, TM (President) CC5. (Luckily for me our club’s name is President Toastmasters).
I now have an objective on my CV, this is a modern addition people in the know put on their CVs. It’s for showing how big a nob you think you’re going to be, that you’re not a total loser like I used to be and that you have Big Dreams. Temporarily I’ve left out “world domination” and have included “I aim to continue bettering my prospects by a varied basket of work experiences and new leadership challenges”. All this mixing with successful people and subliminal listening to these interminable speeches about self-improvement here at TM are starting to pay off.
Then comes my education. In SA, anything above matric is a huge liability, and anything above a g for woodwork also suggests you are definitely not leadership material. The trick then is to leave the traditional section on education out completely, and pretend you believe they may not understand your chosen path of not being formally educated, but educated instead in the University of Life.
But better, replace it with a few sentences about how your parents didn’t want your brain being corrupted by traditional thinking. They realized you had huge potential when you lead your friends to throw sand clods at white colonialist suppressors in passing cars at the age of 5, and therefore refused to submit you to the shackles of school-based learning. State how you feel your culture may be irreversibly violated by a traditional, Eurocentric colonialist based formal education. You believe informal, experiential education is more valuable and leaves the mind more open to the creativity and diversity needed to overcome challenges in a new and vibrant age.
Actually, make that “a new vibrant non-racial age and the job is yours.
Then comes the section on work experience. This is where you need to completely leave out vast swathes of your life, particularly those pre-TM bits where you were a total loser and knew no better. The parts where you were unemployed are easy. You were self-employed, or even better, the director of your own company.
The other parts where you hacked away like an idiot in menial jobs are more difficult to explain. The bits when you faithfully attended work every day and were totally loyal to your company. The bits where you were a waiter at Wimpy. Unfortunately for me, there wasn’t anything else to replace them with. So you need to explain that you felt the need and desire to get in touch with the working classes to fertilise and hone your nascent leadership skills. How better than to work with them?
Then comes the looking for a job part.
The executive search placement agent was a bit uncooperative. I hate these over important, overdressed types who can not see a potentially hugely important business leader when they trip over him. However, I had more luck with Kelly Temps. The young gentleman seemed to recognize my potential and was appropriately interested to go out with me and to listen to how important exactly I am over a Spur Burger – I was running a bit low financially by then. Unfortunately it seems he was so overwhelmed, blinded and attracted by my talents and potential I had to lock myself in the toilet and escape out the toilet window.
Incredibly I still haven’t assumed a position commensurate with my standing, and am temporarily employed as the Chairman of an Asset Risk Management Company in Hatfield. My job involves sitting and watching to see no one steals a car. But not for long. Yes, I’m a floater.
So while I inexorably meander my way to the top of the heap to join the other floaters there, I’ll keep on coming here and ensuring some of the old TM magic rubs off on me.
You could say TM is the gateway to the fantasy land you always dreamed of. You could say TM is the enabler and catalyst of your otherwise dormant leadership powers. You could say TM is the map to the other side. You could say it teaches you to float. Whatever it is, I’m glad I’ll be one of us have’s, ignoring, stepping on and using the scores of have nots on my way to wealth and happiness … I hope…
At work they look at me with veiled fear. Suddenly I have prospects. Suddenly I’m in the race to be Top Management – I’m a force to be reckoned with. When I walk past the CEO in the passage, I look him in the eye and call him Pete. Even though I know his name is John.
When I sit at my desk, my thoughts no longer dwell on all the work I should be doing, and how bad I am for not doing it. No. Now I think about new BMWs, cocktail parties and important stuff to say. I dream of crowds of highly motivated employees singing and dancing in a sea of happy faces below me. I dream of smooth talking and smiling my way to winning landslide elections. I dream of staying in 7 star overseas hotels using taxpayers’ money. But most of all, I dream of a R65m rural eco-estate and a harem of 10 wives.
It also gives you a sense of freedom, knowing how important you are, you no longer need to kowtow to anyone. You can tell people what you really think of them, including the boss. In public too, and in a well-structured manner with a beginning, a body and a conclusion. And if you have CC5, you can use hand gestures too.
Which is the main reason I recently found myself looking for another job.
My CV used to be pretty short and a bit depressing. Now it reflects the new, successful me. It says “Toastmaster”, or abbreviated Mpho Dlamini, TM (President) CC5. (Luckily for me our club’s name is President Toastmasters).
I now have an objective on my CV, this is a modern addition people in the know put on their CVs. It’s for showing how big a nob you think you’re going to be, that you’re not a total loser like I used to be and that you have Big Dreams. Temporarily I’ve left out “world domination” and have included “I aim to continue bettering my prospects by a varied basket of work experiences and new leadership challenges”. All this mixing with successful people and subliminal listening to these interminable speeches about self-improvement here at TM are starting to pay off.
Then comes my education. In SA, anything above matric is a huge liability, and anything above a g for woodwork also suggests you are definitely not leadership material. The trick then is to leave the traditional section on education out completely, and pretend you believe they may not understand your chosen path of not being formally educated, but educated instead in the University of Life.
But better, replace it with a few sentences about how your parents didn’t want your brain being corrupted by traditional thinking. They realized you had huge potential when you lead your friends to throw sand clods at white colonialist suppressors in passing cars at the age of 5, and therefore refused to submit you to the shackles of school-based learning. State how you feel your culture may be irreversibly violated by a traditional, Eurocentric colonialist based formal education. You believe informal, experiential education is more valuable and leaves the mind more open to the creativity and diversity needed to overcome challenges in a new and vibrant age.
Actually, make that “a new vibrant non-racial age and the job is yours.
Then comes the section on work experience. This is where you need to completely leave out vast swathes of your life, particularly those pre-TM bits where you were a total loser and knew no better. The parts where you were unemployed are easy. You were self-employed, or even better, the director of your own company.
The other parts where you hacked away like an idiot in menial jobs are more difficult to explain. The bits when you faithfully attended work every day and were totally loyal to your company. The bits where you were a waiter at Wimpy. Unfortunately for me, there wasn’t anything else to replace them with. So you need to explain that you felt the need and desire to get in touch with the working classes to fertilise and hone your nascent leadership skills. How better than to work with them?
Then comes the looking for a job part.
The executive search placement agent was a bit uncooperative. I hate these over important, overdressed types who can not see a potentially hugely important business leader when they trip over him. However, I had more luck with Kelly Temps. The young gentleman seemed to recognize my potential and was appropriately interested to go out with me and to listen to how important exactly I am over a Spur Burger – I was running a bit low financially by then. Unfortunately it seems he was so overwhelmed, blinded and attracted by my talents and potential I had to lock myself in the toilet and escape out the toilet window.
Incredibly I still haven’t assumed a position commensurate with my standing, and am temporarily employed as the Chairman of an Asset Risk Management Company in Hatfield. My job involves sitting and watching to see no one steals a car. But not for long. Yes, I’m a floater.
So while I inexorably meander my way to the top of the heap to join the other floaters there, I’ll keep on coming here and ensuring some of the old TM magic rubs off on me.
You could say TM is the gateway to the fantasy land you always dreamed of. You could say TM is the enabler and catalyst of your otherwise dormant leadership powers. You could say TM is the map to the other side. You could say it teaches you to float. Whatever it is, I’m glad I’ll be one of us have’s, ignoring, stepping on and using the scores of have nots on my way to wealth and happiness … I hope…
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