How to prepare a TM speech in 5 minutes.
Making a TM speech has traditionally been a demanding activity. It is not as easy as it looks.
You’ve watched me sitting in that seat there for the last 2 years, watching you all do speech after speech, and you’ve been wondering “ what is he doing?”. Is he just awestruck by our genius and hoping some will rub off on him? Is he procrastinating? Is he a bit retarded? Is he asleep?
Well, you’re right. But not completely. In between imagining you (the speaker) without clothes or dozing off to the sonorous voice of Benny in full cry, the screws were turning, albeit slowly. Tonight I’m going to expound on what the outcome of all that rumination is.
You may wonder why I bother to tell you all how to do this, instead of simply making a 5 min speech and giving it tonight. Why would I want to take you all with me to the pinnacle of TM achievement? The only answer I can give to that is that I like you all, and your success is my success. And if you believe that, you’ll probably also believe the gumph Yoke feeds you. But be that as it may, prepare yourselves for this fascinating bit of information …
Speech preparation can be broken down into: finding a topic (2 months), writing the speech (2 weeks) and finally, practicing it (2 weeks). You are no doubt thinking I’ve either lost my marbles or have a trick up my sleeve, because its patently impossible to do all that in 5 minutes. I thought the same, until one day I was at work in a departmental meeting. As usual, the boss had verbal diarrhea. Now we all know that in such a situation, when you are listening to the boss at a meeting, it’s nearly impossible to stay awake. In fact, the only way to stay awake is to concentrate on something else completely, like how you’re going to get more closely involved with one of your more physically interesting co-workers. After the meeting I sidled up to said interesting co-worker and engaged her in conversation. I suddenly realized that neither I nor her had any idea of what the boss had said, although both of us were too ashamed to admit it. Then I thought to myself, surely I can apply this same principle at TM? Surely I can use this principle, together with the almighty forces available in the universe, to produce the perfect speech in 5 minutes? Surely I can enable the entire President TMers to become excellent speech makers, to become leaders in their fields, to take on the world and take it over completely? To crush all opposition and harness the world’s resources for their good alone? Yes, I can!
When planning a speech, most important to consider audience. And most important to consider important member of the audience. In TM, that’s your evaluator.
Second, consider goal. The goal in TM is always the same: pass the speech and preferably get the evaluator to firstly, not say anything nasty about you, and secondly, say something nice. There are 2 ways to do this: the hard way, prepare a speech carefully, practice present a fantastic speech. That’s OK if you’re someone like Francois, but if you happen to be oratorically challenged, it’s not really an option.
So the 2nd way: Make the evaluator do something she will feel ashamed of, such that she feels guilty and compelled to say nice things about you. In most cases, you’ll find the evaluator is only human, and therefore subject to the same weaknesses as you and me. You need to use this fact against her.
The way to do this is to ensure she doesn’t listen to a word of your speech. That way, after you’ve finished she will feel really bad and will want to be nice.
I see the penny’s beginning to drop. Yes, you do the same thing to the evaluator as the boss does to you – you simply bore her to oblivion or death or as near to it as possible.
Now it turns out that another reason the boss is so boring is that he’s actually speaking an alternative language, a language they only teach you at MBA school, which is why you never actually know what was said in those meetings, and nor does anyone else, including the boss, although they’re all too ashamed to admit it.
I call it Execu Speak. The wonderful thing about it is that is sounds remarkably similar to English, and uses very intelligent-sounding words, but is completely ununderstandable to everyone, including the boss himself.
Now you’re all thinking you must go out and do MBAs if you want to bore your evaluator to sleep or even death. Not so. I have written a little book (bring out massive tome) which provides you with everything you need. “The Idiots Guide to TM” Available afterwards for only R399 (discounted for TMers).
Since I only have about one minute left, I can’t give a full demonstration, you’ll need to wait for my next speech for that. However, let me give you a little taster. Always start at the beginning – the title. After much observation I’ve discovered that if you have a title, you have a topic to speak on automatically. Now you know yourselves that thinking up a subject and title can take days, more likely weeks, for the average newbie tm. With this method you can do the job in 30s.
Firstly, pick up your specially discounted copy of Idiots Guide to TM up - remember use both hands. With every copy you get a FREE Fruity Nut Chocolate Bar. Spend 10 s remembering how good that tasted.
Now turn to page 795 …
There you will find a list of titles. Choose one. There’s a few ways of doing this.
I’ve always believed in fate, in Karma, in the power of the universe, and in allowing the universe to make my most important decisions. Who on earth do I think I am to be able to outthink the universe? Normally I don’t know the best thing to do or how to act, and I’ve found that the universe never makes a worse decision than me on my own.
Therefore I choose randomly. You, however, If you feel you are more competent than the entire universe and everything in it, like for example if you’re God or Francois, can choose from top to bottom on the list.
Close your eyes and allow the universe to guide your finger on the page, then open your eyes and read your title and topic.
I put my finger on the page and I see my title “Page 795”. Maybe you don’t like it because it doesn’t sound clever enough? Maybe the Universe was wrong that time and we need to give it a second chance?
Let me try again – “A framework for implementing a synergistic network paradigm” You all get that? I didn’t think so. But you have to agree that not only does it sound like English, but as an additional bonus it sounds intelligent as well. The evaluator will immediately be put on the back foot, because she will begin thinking you are more intelligent than her, and whatever you say next is bound to be good.
Now that I have demonstrated the power of my technique, I have run out of time. In my next speech I intend to show you how to spend the next 2 minutes writing the entire speech. Don’t forget to join the queue afterwards to obtain a copy of this remarkably well-priced book.
You’ve watched me sitting in that seat there for the last 2 years, watching you all do speech after speech, and you’ve been wondering “ what is he doing?”. Is he just awestruck by our genius and hoping some will rub off on him? Is he procrastinating? Is he a bit retarded? Is he asleep?
Well, you’re right. But not completely. In between imagining you (the speaker) without clothes or dozing off to the sonorous voice of Benny in full cry, the screws were turning, albeit slowly. Tonight I’m going to expound on what the outcome of all that rumination is.
You may wonder why I bother to tell you all how to do this, instead of simply making a 5 min speech and giving it tonight. Why would I want to take you all with me to the pinnacle of TM achievement? The only answer I can give to that is that I like you all, and your success is my success. And if you believe that, you’ll probably also believe the gumph Yoke feeds you. But be that as it may, prepare yourselves for this fascinating bit of information …
Speech preparation can be broken down into: finding a topic (2 months), writing the speech (2 weeks) and finally, practicing it (2 weeks). You are no doubt thinking I’ve either lost my marbles or have a trick up my sleeve, because its patently impossible to do all that in 5 minutes. I thought the same, until one day I was at work in a departmental meeting. As usual, the boss had verbal diarrhea. Now we all know that in such a situation, when you are listening to the boss at a meeting, it’s nearly impossible to stay awake. In fact, the only way to stay awake is to concentrate on something else completely, like how you’re going to get more closely involved with one of your more physically interesting co-workers. After the meeting I sidled up to said interesting co-worker and engaged her in conversation. I suddenly realized that neither I nor her had any idea of what the boss had said, although both of us were too ashamed to admit it. Then I thought to myself, surely I can apply this same principle at TM? Surely I can use this principle, together with the almighty forces available in the universe, to produce the perfect speech in 5 minutes? Surely I can enable the entire President TMers to become excellent speech makers, to become leaders in their fields, to take on the world and take it over completely? To crush all opposition and harness the world’s resources for their good alone? Yes, I can!
When planning a speech, most important to consider audience. And most important to consider important member of the audience. In TM, that’s your evaluator.
Second, consider goal. The goal in TM is always the same: pass the speech and preferably get the evaluator to firstly, not say anything nasty about you, and secondly, say something nice. There are 2 ways to do this: the hard way, prepare a speech carefully, practice present a fantastic speech. That’s OK if you’re someone like Francois, but if you happen to be oratorically challenged, it’s not really an option.
So the 2nd way: Make the evaluator do something she will feel ashamed of, such that she feels guilty and compelled to say nice things about you. In most cases, you’ll find the evaluator is only human, and therefore subject to the same weaknesses as you and me. You need to use this fact against her.
The way to do this is to ensure she doesn’t listen to a word of your speech. That way, after you’ve finished she will feel really bad and will want to be nice.
I see the penny’s beginning to drop. Yes, you do the same thing to the evaluator as the boss does to you – you simply bore her to oblivion or death or as near to it as possible.
Now it turns out that another reason the boss is so boring is that he’s actually speaking an alternative language, a language they only teach you at MBA school, which is why you never actually know what was said in those meetings, and nor does anyone else, including the boss, although they’re all too ashamed to admit it.
I call it Execu Speak. The wonderful thing about it is that is sounds remarkably similar to English, and uses very intelligent-sounding words, but is completely ununderstandable to everyone, including the boss himself.
Now you’re all thinking you must go out and do MBAs if you want to bore your evaluator to sleep or even death. Not so. I have written a little book (bring out massive tome) which provides you with everything you need. “The Idiots Guide to TM” Available afterwards for only R399 (discounted for TMers).
Since I only have about one minute left, I can’t give a full demonstration, you’ll need to wait for my next speech for that. However, let me give you a little taster. Always start at the beginning – the title. After much observation I’ve discovered that if you have a title, you have a topic to speak on automatically. Now you know yourselves that thinking up a subject and title can take days, more likely weeks, for the average newbie tm. With this method you can do the job in 30s.
Firstly, pick up your specially discounted copy of Idiots Guide to TM up - remember use both hands. With every copy you get a FREE Fruity Nut Chocolate Bar. Spend 10 s remembering how good that tasted.
Now turn to page 795 …
There you will find a list of titles. Choose one. There’s a few ways of doing this.
I’ve always believed in fate, in Karma, in the power of the universe, and in allowing the universe to make my most important decisions. Who on earth do I think I am to be able to outthink the universe? Normally I don’t know the best thing to do or how to act, and I’ve found that the universe never makes a worse decision than me on my own.
Therefore I choose randomly. You, however, If you feel you are more competent than the entire universe and everything in it, like for example if you’re God or Francois, can choose from top to bottom on the list.
Close your eyes and allow the universe to guide your finger on the page, then open your eyes and read your title and topic.
I put my finger on the page and I see my title “Page 795”. Maybe you don’t like it because it doesn’t sound clever enough? Maybe the Universe was wrong that time and we need to give it a second chance?
Let me try again – “A framework for implementing a synergistic network paradigm” You all get that? I didn’t think so. But you have to agree that not only does it sound like English, but as an additional bonus it sounds intelligent as well. The evaluator will immediately be put on the back foot, because she will begin thinking you are more intelligent than her, and whatever you say next is bound to be good.
Now that I have demonstrated the power of my technique, I have run out of time. In my next speech I intend to show you how to spend the next 2 minutes writing the entire speech. Don’t forget to join the queue afterwards to obtain a copy of this remarkably well-priced book.
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