Work PA
I had my PA at work last week. Now this has always been a difficult meeting for me. The more of these I have, the more creative I have to be. Effectively the boss wants to know why I don’t do any work. Now over the years I’ve used up a lot of options: I’m still learning,
Last year I used the comparison technique. I explained that Martha who sits in the office next to mine also does nothing so why shouldn’t I? The boss: Martha contributes in other ways.
You see, 20 of our 25 employees are white males. It turns out that white males don’t have any rights. Or BEE credentials. Martha is a black woman. So you have 19 white males slaving away day and night,1 black man, 2 black women and two white women, arriving late, leaving early and with massive telephone accounts. But supplying BEE points merely by the fact that they’re paid by the company.
I spent a lot of time at work thinking about this. How was I going to avoid being fired this year?
I spent hours at my desk mulling over it. In fact days went into weeks. In between this mulling, I had coffee and discussed the problem with my colleagues. That’s the black ones and the women of course. I tried to catch a white malke here and there between projects but they just didn’t have the time. I surfed the Internet for answers for months.
Basically I finally realized I had only 3 few options: 1) a colour change – would require a name and ID change too. The problem here is that work already knew me as a white male, so trying to now convice them otherwise may be close to impossible. I could provide evidence of native ancestry but it probabl still woluldbnt help
1) a sex change
This seemed like a good idea until I got the quote from the hospital. You can’t believe what they charge for such a seemingly small bit of surgery. However, I managed to get a much better “travel surgery” quote from a Nigerian doctor. So I was just about to book my ticket when one of the guys at work heard about it and asked me on a date when I came back. I cancelled that idea immediately.
And the 3rd option is the one I chose. Yes, I decided to become a creipple , sorry, alternatively abled. Now becoming crippled is easier than you’re thinking.
I mean, you’re obviously thinking its way too expensive. A wheelchair costs about R5000. But not so, I pcicked up these babies for just R85 at pharmacy!
Its so easy. You get one of your less ethical relatives to phone your work one day to excuse you, you’ve just had an accident. Make it something interesting.
I mean, no one actually tests you to see if you’re really crippled. Yes, there’re a few disadvantages, like having to pretend you need crutches for the rest of your life.
Other advantages:
Shopping mall – You head rigt for the yellow demarcated bays right outside the entancs. Unfortunately unless you forked out your R5000 you can’t use the ones with pictures of wheelchairs on. Or motorbikes. But there are always some with an L for lame.
Being off sick. Climbing on the bus.
Queues at the bank.
I have no idea why everyone doesn’t do this.
This year I got clever.
Last year I used the comparison technique. I explained that Martha who sits in the office next to mine also does nothing so why shouldn’t I? The boss: Martha contributes in other ways.
You see, 20 of our 25 employees are white males. It turns out that white males don’t have any rights. Or BEE credentials. Martha is a black woman. So you have 19 white males slaving away day and night,1 black man, 2 black women and two white women, arriving late, leaving early and with massive telephone accounts. But supplying BEE points merely by the fact that they’re paid by the company.
I spent a lot of time at work thinking about this. How was I going to avoid being fired this year?
I spent hours at my desk mulling over it. In fact days went into weeks. In between this mulling, I had coffee and discussed the problem with my colleagues. That’s the black ones and the women of course. I tried to catch a white malke here and there between projects but they just didn’t have the time. I surfed the Internet for answers for months.
Basically I finally realized I had only 3 few options: 1) a colour change – would require a name and ID change too. The problem here is that work already knew me as a white male, so trying to now convice them otherwise may be close to impossible. I could provide evidence of native ancestry but it probabl still woluldbnt help
1) a sex change
This seemed like a good idea until I got the quote from the hospital. You can’t believe what they charge for such a seemingly small bit of surgery. However, I managed to get a much better “travel surgery” quote from a Nigerian doctor. So I was just about to book my ticket when one of the guys at work heard about it and asked me on a date when I came back. I cancelled that idea immediately.
And the 3rd option is the one I chose. Yes, I decided to become a creipple , sorry, alternatively abled. Now becoming crippled is easier than you’re thinking.
I mean, you’re obviously thinking its way too expensive. A wheelchair costs about R5000. But not so, I pcicked up these babies for just R85 at pharmacy!
Its so easy. You get one of your less ethical relatives to phone your work one day to excuse you, you’ve just had an accident. Make it something interesting.
I mean, no one actually tests you to see if you’re really crippled. Yes, there’re a few disadvantages, like having to pretend you need crutches for the rest of your life.
Other advantages:
Shopping mall – You head rigt for the yellow demarcated bays right outside the entancs. Unfortunately unless you forked out your R5000 you can’t use the ones with pictures of wheelchairs on. Or motorbikes. But there are always some with an L for lame.
Being off sick. Climbing on the bus.
Queues at the bank.
I have no idea why everyone doesn’t do this.
This year I got clever.
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